1. Get on a horse which hasn't been ridden for a while because of the bad weather. Preferably one called Alfie.
2. Take him in the field and think, 'how well everything's going! I think we'll do that jump."
3. Fly over the jump and set off at a gallop
4. While galloping, arrange for the horse to do an enormous corkscrew buck.
5. Fly through the air and land awkwardly so that you rip the muscles in your bottom, suffer whiplash , bang your head on the ground and bite through your tongue.
Foolproof! I hardly notice the toothache at all now.
Am I allowed to say ouch?